Technology: The Toxic Ex-Boyfriend I'll Never Leave

 

    I am in a relationship with technology and I just cannot seem to break away. It says it loves me. It says it helps me. It says that it is the most important thing in my life. I am not sure if any of those things are true, but I do know I could never live without it. This is no ploy of weakness or a dumb girl thinking she is wise, it is a blatant realization: I am being manipulated, controlled, persuaded, and there is nothing I will ever do to stop it. The reality is harsh, but it is true. A breakup with the technological world would be devastating, detrimental to my success, and therefore, I will never leave. 

    The first step of addiction counseling is admitting you have a problem. So, in the most AA way possible: My name is Liv and I am addicted to social media, the internet, and technology. Actually, scratch that. I am not even an addict, I am more. I am a slave to the workings of the BigData companies, the apps on my phone, the screen of my laptop, forever unable to break away. The worst part is that it was always voluntary. When I was younger, I idolized technology. I begged for a phone, an iPod, a laptop, an iPad so that I could be in touch with a different world. I was just as stupid then as I am now. Those years of begging for thousands of dollars worth of data mines created a false reality for myself. To be a part of society, to function like a normal human being, these are the tools that I must have in my belt and in my hands at all times. Just like any older generation, they gave me the warnings, urging me to put my phone down and enjoy life differently. I never listened. So, here I am, stuck in a toxic relationship, letting it puppet my mind on a daily basis. 

    Every day, I wake up and the first thing I search for is my phone. I can sit, scrolling until my eyes hurt from the blue light before I choose to start my day. I get ready for about an hour before I trudge to a classroom where I sit down and a requirement is to have a laptop. Again, I open my eyes to stare at a screen for almost two hours. Whether I sit in that desk or move to a bustling Starbucks across campus, I am guaranteed to obsessively check my email, hitting refresh over and over and over, scared to miss anything, any small form of communication of any importance. Again, I scroll. I take my breaks from my laptop on my phone. I have to stay updated. I check my messages, then Snapchat. I close both, open Instagram. I scroll for a couple of minutes before reopening snapchat. I check my messages, make a call, close all of those tabs, and then check my email in my phone browser one more time. 

    

    Six hours. This week alone, I have spent a daily average of six hours on just my iPhone. That was down 16% from the week before, meaning I spent even more time scrolling. The question is what is acceptable? Is six hours too much? Is this normal? Where is the line of definition as to what is too far? While yes, some of this time was spent with social media, there were moments of necessary communication, timing, ensuring that information I had was correct. So, I do not worry. This is the life we live in now. In my head, when I have to communicate with others, it means that they too are picking up their phones. Their screen time average is increasing, just like mine. So, I am not alone. But, is that a way to live? Justifying your steadfast and toxic habits because they are just like the rest of the world's? As horribly gut wrenching as it is to admit, I do not know, but this is how I will continue to be until the world turns a different corner. 

I watch now as the adults who once urged me to put down my phone join me. Family dinners are filled with scrolling, stopping, sharing videos and laughs, a repeating cycle only paused by the focus of a fork into a pile of mashed potatoes. I ask to have a conversation, only to have my sentiment met with disgruntled remarks. So, I too pick up my phone and join the others, a slave to the scroll. I know that half of the stuff that I see is fake. I know that likely what I think is real is also fake. I know that I try and learn things from articles and posts I deem helpful. I know that I try to not let what I see and read affect me. I know that I watch other people and have a voice in my head that asks why I don't look like them. I know that I save workout routines and the perfect bodies. I know that I get on the scale every morning and record my weight in a little red book that sits in my desk drawer. I know that I am in a toxic relationship with technology and the worst part is that I will never leave.